The Persuasive Power of Food

You know what's awesome? When you wind up doing work for other attorneys because their secretaries are either incompetent or lazy or both. Now, I don't mind helping people out if they're swamped and I'm not. Or, if the other secretary is out of the office. But, when the other secretary is sitting at her desk doing absolutely nothing while you're already busy, then I have a problem.

Unfortunately in the secretarial world, incompetency and laziness runs rampant. Let me paint you a picture. Remember Mistinguette? She's the secretary who claims not to understand English when given an assignment. There is nothing wrong with her English. She has a thick accent, but that's about it. She's just lazy. When she's at her desk, she does nothing except eat and yap on the phone with her friends. If she's not at her desk, then she's spending all of her time eating in the kitchen on our floor. Eating is a big theme here.

Mistinguette's main passion in life, as far as I can tell, is food. And not just any food. Free food leftover from meetings. I once asked her if I could borrow a stapler. She opened a drawer in her desk and it was filled to the brim with soda, juices and wrapped up food she took from conference rooms. I was shocked. Is she expecting a 28 Days Later scenario or something? I know 2012 is around the corner, but that's no excuse to stockpile food from conference rooms. Its not even that good.

I've caught Mistinguette running into conference rooms with Tupperware. She gets a crazed look in her eye as she scoops up the leftover food into her containers. She then proudly declares, "Now I have dinner for tonight." Really? We make pretty good money doing what we do. Is she that desperate for food that she sweats with excitement over nasty looking leftover chicken salad? I thought Lil' Kim was desperate for hooking up with Biggie Smalls, but at least Lil' Kim got a record deal out of it. This behavior takes desperation to a whole new level.

If Mistinguette wants to get in your good graces, she will give you food. I was duped at first. But then I realized that she was giving me free food so that I'd do all of her work for her. Man, I'm such a sucker.

Mistinguette also bribes her attorneys with food. When they try to give her an assignment, she'll give them the "I don't understand English" line while handing them a container of food. Whatever is in this food must be mind controlling them, because after this food bribing ritual, they'll immediately come over to my desk and ask me to do work that she should be doing.

Mistinguette gets great presents from her attorneys at Christmas and on her birthday. Bergdorf Goodman gift cards, flowers, digital cameras, cash. I could go on. I guess people respond to food more positively than work ethic. Come to think of it, I've been jonesing for a new pair of Louboutins. I think I'll start using Crumbs cupcakes as a bargaining chip from now on. So much more hip than leftover meeting food.