There are a lot of misconceptions about the role of the legal secretary, so I thought I'd take a few minutes and clarify some things.
1. I am not your personal assistant. The job I signed up for was to type stuff for you, schedule appointments for you, answer your phone, send out correspondence for you and to generally be a cool and exciting person you can say you know. My job is not to walk your dog, pick up your dry cleaning, act as your driver or remove the food stains from your shirt (for the record, you should really invest in a lobster bib).
2. Contrary to popular belief, not all legal secretaries are from Staten Island. Some of us are from more exotic places, like Brooklyn.
3. I am not a CPA. While I may do a lot of accounting for you, including preparing your bills and reimbursements, I was never trained to be an accountant. In fact, I suck at math. So, if I mess up something accounting related for you, it wasn't done on purpose. Please calm down and contact the appropriate department to fix the error--Accounting.
4. Not all legal secretaries have cat calendars decorating their desks. Some of us have prefer calendars of dogs dressed in funny outfits.
5. I am not your personal bank. Please don't ask me to borrow $20. That's what debit cards are for.
6. No, I do not know how to fix your computer. If something goes wrong, please contact the IT department.
7. I really am not always eating candy. It just so happens that whenever you come by my desk, I'm stuffing my face with Skittles.
8. I am not deaf. If you are having a confidential conversation near my cubicle, I can usually hear everything you're saying. So, please stop talking about me in front of me. Thanks!
9. I am not a babysitter. If you bring your kids to the office on Bring Your Screaming Brat to Work Day, I am not interested in having your kid scream and wreak havoc in my cubicle. That being said, it would be really cool if you would please bring me an ice cream sundae from the kiddy party.
10. It is perfectly okay to use me as your advisor, and not just your secretary. I would be happy to give you insight into the personalities of other staff at the office. I would also be more than happy to help you out with your outfit choices. I know that you're a partner and you can do what you want, but wearing a plaid flannel shirt to the office is just not chic.
8/17/11
The Persuasive Power of Food
You know what's awesome? When you wind up doing work for other attorneys because their secretaries are either incompetent or lazy or both. Now, I don't mind helping people out if they're swamped and I'm not. Or, if the other secretary is out of the office. But, when the other secretary is sitting at her desk doing absolutely nothing while you're already busy, then I have a problem.
Unfortunately in the secretarial world, incompetency and laziness runs rampant. Let me paint you a picture. Remember Mistinguette? She's the secretary who claims not to understand English when given an assignment. There is nothing wrong with her English. She has a thick accent, but that's about it. She's just lazy. When she's at her desk, she does nothing except eat and yap on the phone with her friends. If she's not at her desk, then she's spending all of her time eating in the kitchen on our floor. Eating is a big theme here.
Mistinguette's main passion in life, as far as I can tell, is food. And not just any food. Free food leftover from meetings. I once asked her if I could borrow a stapler. She opened a drawer in her desk and it was filled to the brim with soda, juices and wrapped up food she took from conference rooms. I was shocked. Is she expecting a 28 Days Later scenario or something? I know 2012 is around the corner, but that's no excuse to stockpile food from conference rooms. Its not even that good.
I've caught Mistinguette running into conference rooms with Tupperware. She gets a crazed look in her eye as she scoops up the leftover food into her containers. She then proudly declares, "Now I have dinner for tonight." Really? We make pretty good money doing what we do. Is she that desperate for food that she sweats with excitement over nasty looking leftover chicken salad? I thought Lil' Kim was desperate for hooking up with Biggie Smalls, but at least Lil' Kim got a record deal out of it. This behavior takes desperation to a whole new level.
If Mistinguette wants to get in your good graces, she will give you food. I was duped at first. But then I realized that she was giving me free food so that I'd do all of her work for her. Man, I'm such a sucker.
Mistinguette also bribes her attorneys with food. When they try to give her an assignment, she'll give them the "I don't understand English" line while handing them a container of food. Whatever is in this food must be mind controlling them, because after this food bribing ritual, they'll immediately come over to my desk and ask me to do work that she should be doing.
Mistinguette gets great presents from her attorneys at Christmas and on her birthday. Bergdorf Goodman gift cards, flowers, digital cameras, cash. I could go on. I guess people respond to food more positively than work ethic. Come to think of it, I've been jonesing for a new pair of Louboutins. I think I'll start using Crumbs cupcakes as a bargaining chip from now on. So much more hip than leftover meeting food.
Unfortunately in the secretarial world, incompetency and laziness runs rampant. Let me paint you a picture. Remember Mistinguette? She's the secretary who claims not to understand English when given an assignment. There is nothing wrong with her English. She has a thick accent, but that's about it. She's just lazy. When she's at her desk, she does nothing except eat and yap on the phone with her friends. If she's not at her desk, then she's spending all of her time eating in the kitchen on our floor. Eating is a big theme here.
Mistinguette's main passion in life, as far as I can tell, is food. And not just any food. Free food leftover from meetings. I once asked her if I could borrow a stapler. She opened a drawer in her desk and it was filled to the brim with soda, juices and wrapped up food she took from conference rooms. I was shocked. Is she expecting a 28 Days Later scenario or something? I know 2012 is around the corner, but that's no excuse to stockpile food from conference rooms. Its not even that good.
I've caught Mistinguette running into conference rooms with Tupperware. She gets a crazed look in her eye as she scoops up the leftover food into her containers. She then proudly declares, "Now I have dinner for tonight." Really? We make pretty good money doing what we do. Is she that desperate for food that she sweats with excitement over nasty looking leftover chicken salad? I thought Lil' Kim was desperate for hooking up with Biggie Smalls, but at least Lil' Kim got a record deal out of it. This behavior takes desperation to a whole new level.
If Mistinguette wants to get in your good graces, she will give you food. I was duped at first. But then I realized that she was giving me free food so that I'd do all of her work for her. Man, I'm such a sucker.
Mistinguette also bribes her attorneys with food. When they try to give her an assignment, she'll give them the "I don't understand English" line while handing them a container of food. Whatever is in this food must be mind controlling them, because after this food bribing ritual, they'll immediately come over to my desk and ask me to do work that she should be doing.
Mistinguette gets great presents from her attorneys at Christmas and on her birthday. Bergdorf Goodman gift cards, flowers, digital cameras, cash. I could go on. I guess people respond to food more positively than work ethic. Come to think of it, I've been jonesing for a new pair of Louboutins. I think I'll start using Crumbs cupcakes as a bargaining chip from now on. So much more hip than leftover meeting food.
8/16/11
I am now on Facebook under Legal Secretary Chronicles. Please Like me, otherwise its just sad.
Ode To Travel
I love to travel. I love to go to new places, meet different people and indulge in the tasty foods and drinks that are native to other parts of the world (pasta, potato pancakes, steak frites, Mai Tais, etc). This is why I sometimes have to resort to wearing yoga pants to work instead of pants that have a button and a zipper. It works as long as you're also wearing a blazer, but I digress.
All of my attorneys travel on a regular basis, but usually not for pleasure. Oh sure, they manage to stuff their respective faces with fattening foods on their business trips, but instead of looking full and happy, they look uncomfortable and bloated upon their return. Is that a muffin top and man boobs I see? Sorry. The point of this post is not to criticize the weight fluctuations of my attorneys (or myself). Its to talk about something much more important, and that is inefficiency.
Partner 1 travels at least once a month. He generally knows about his upcoming trips months in advance, but doesn't inform me about them until 1-2 days before the trip is to take place. Before you say anything, he keeps his own paper calendar that he hides in a lockbox. This is how our initial travel conversation usually goes: "Uhhhh Secy, did we book my flight to Dallas yet?" "What flight to Dallas?" "You know, for the meeting I have to attend there tomorrow morning." "Um, I didn't know about this meeting, but I'll call the travel agency right now." Since everything is done at the last minute, Partner 1 balks at the price of the flights, and wonders why the hotel he wants to stay in is booked. After much ado, I manage to book flights, hotels and rental cars to his satisfaction. That should be enough, right? Wrong! He changes his mind at least 5 times, which makes our travel agents put more pins in our respective voodoo dolls. We usually end up with the original flights that I've booked for him, so I've spent a couple of hours on nothing.
On the day Partner 1 is scheduled to return home, he almost always wants to change the time of his flight. When he does this, he calls me from the airport and asks me to call the travel agency to change his flight. I do point out to him that its easier for him to do this at the the airport. Its more efficient and he can instantly get his new ticket. He doesn't seem to understand this, and then wonders why the travel agency is taking so long. Partner 1 is a brilliant attorney. Why he hasn't figured out how to book his trips in a more efficient manner is a mystery to me.
Sometimes Partner 1 doesn't even tell me that he is traveling. This usually happens when he's traveling with another partner, and that partner's secretary makes all of the travel arrangements. When this happens, he will call me from the airport and ask me to change his flight on a trip that I didn't even know existed. And around and around the crazy circle we go once again.
So attorneys, to make your travel arrangements in a more efficient manner, I (speaking for all legal secretaries) ask that you do the following:
1. Notify your secretary in advance of any trips you will be taking. This will save both of you a headache, and you usually won't have to pay exorbitant prices for last minute tickets.
2. Do not call your secretary from the airport asking her to change your flight. This is a waste of time. Simply go up to the counter of the airline you're scheduled to take, and have them do this for you.
3. Does it really matter if you get home 30 minutes earlier? No. You'll probably be spending that extra 30 minutes on the taxi line anyway.
4. Yoga pants are your friend. I'm sure they make yoga pants for men now. You will look and feel so much more comfortable upon your return to the office. If you want to take this a step further, Spanx now has a line for men. You should try it sometime.
All of my attorneys travel on a regular basis, but usually not for pleasure. Oh sure, they manage to stuff their respective faces with fattening foods on their business trips, but instead of looking full and happy, they look uncomfortable and bloated upon their return. Is that a muffin top and man boobs I see? Sorry. The point of this post is not to criticize the weight fluctuations of my attorneys (or myself). Its to talk about something much more important, and that is inefficiency.
Partner 1 travels at least once a month. He generally knows about his upcoming trips months in advance, but doesn't inform me about them until 1-2 days before the trip is to take place. Before you say anything, he keeps his own paper calendar that he hides in a lockbox. This is how our initial travel conversation usually goes: "Uhhhh Secy, did we book my flight to Dallas yet?" "What flight to Dallas?" "You know, for the meeting I have to attend there tomorrow morning." "Um, I didn't know about this meeting, but I'll call the travel agency right now." Since everything is done at the last minute, Partner 1 balks at the price of the flights, and wonders why the hotel he wants to stay in is booked. After much ado, I manage to book flights, hotels and rental cars to his satisfaction. That should be enough, right? Wrong! He changes his mind at least 5 times, which makes our travel agents put more pins in our respective voodoo dolls. We usually end up with the original flights that I've booked for him, so I've spent a couple of hours on nothing.
On the day Partner 1 is scheduled to return home, he almost always wants to change the time of his flight. When he does this, he calls me from the airport and asks me to call the travel agency to change his flight. I do point out to him that its easier for him to do this at the the airport. Its more efficient and he can instantly get his new ticket. He doesn't seem to understand this, and then wonders why the travel agency is taking so long. Partner 1 is a brilliant attorney. Why he hasn't figured out how to book his trips in a more efficient manner is a mystery to me.
Sometimes Partner 1 doesn't even tell me that he is traveling. This usually happens when he's traveling with another partner, and that partner's secretary makes all of the travel arrangements. When this happens, he will call me from the airport and ask me to change his flight on a trip that I didn't even know existed. And around and around the crazy circle we go once again.
So attorneys, to make your travel arrangements in a more efficient manner, I (speaking for all legal secretaries) ask that you do the following:
1. Notify your secretary in advance of any trips you will be taking. This will save both of you a headache, and you usually won't have to pay exorbitant prices for last minute tickets.
2. Do not call your secretary from the airport asking her to change your flight. This is a waste of time. Simply go up to the counter of the airline you're scheduled to take, and have them do this for you.
3. Does it really matter if you get home 30 minutes earlier? No. You'll probably be spending that extra 30 minutes on the taxi line anyway.
4. Yoga pants are your friend. I'm sure they make yoga pants for men now. You will look and feel so much more comfortable upon your return to the office. If you want to take this a step further, Spanx now has a line for men. You should try it sometime.
8/15/11
Who's Who
As you have hopefully figured out, I am a legal secretary. I work for a mid-size law firm in a big city. Sometimes I think I'm too cool for school and then I remember what I do for a living. I work for the following people:
Partner 1: Senior Partner. Wife and 4 kids. Loves to complain about money, even though he makes 7 figures a year. Is generally cool, except when it comes to last minute decisions regarding pretty much everything. His catchphrase is "Uhhhhh...On second thought...".
Partner 2: Junior Partner. Wife and newborn twins. Sometimes I'm convinced he's a woman because he's not only more gossipy than a gaggle of gay men, he also likes to come by my desk and discuss his extensive footwear collection. His catchphrase is "What's going on?".
Partner 3: Between Junior and Senior Partner. Wife and no kids. Major anger issues. His catchphrase is "GO F--- YOURSELF!!!!!"
Associate 1: Fresh out of law school. Reminds me of Dakota Fanning. Very sweet and hardly gives me anything to do. I like her.
Associate 2: Thinks he's a partner. Likes to throw his weight around, literally. He gains at least 20 pounds every three months from all of the "important business lunches" he attends.
I am referred to as Secy, which is short for Secretary.
I also do not officially work for 3 other partners, but I might as well since their secretary claims not to speak English when given an assignment. Those partners like to approach me and say, "Secy could you help me out with this? Mistinguette (the name of their secretary) doesn't understand complex English." Fantastic.
Partner 1: Senior Partner. Wife and 4 kids. Loves to complain about money, even though he makes 7 figures a year. Is generally cool, except when it comes to last minute decisions regarding pretty much everything. His catchphrase is "Uhhhhh...On second thought...".
Partner 2: Junior Partner. Wife and newborn twins. Sometimes I'm convinced he's a woman because he's not only more gossipy than a gaggle of gay men, he also likes to come by my desk and discuss his extensive footwear collection. His catchphrase is "What's going on?".
Partner 3: Between Junior and Senior Partner. Wife and no kids. Major anger issues. His catchphrase is "GO F--- YOURSELF!!!!!"
Associate 1: Fresh out of law school. Reminds me of Dakota Fanning. Very sweet and hardly gives me anything to do. I like her.
Associate 2: Thinks he's a partner. Likes to throw his weight around, literally. He gains at least 20 pounds every three months from all of the "important business lunches" he attends.
I am referred to as Secy, which is short for Secretary.
I also do not officially work for 3 other partners, but I might as well since their secretary claims not to speak English when given an assignment. Those partners like to approach me and say, "Secy could you help me out with this? Mistinguette (the name of their secretary) doesn't understand complex English." Fantastic.
Hungover at Work
It never fails. Whenever I am hungover on a work day (which is hardly ever), I have the busiest day. Its as if my attorneys know that I had a rocking good time the night before and decide to punish me for it. I know that my attorneys wish they could leave work at 5:00pm and spend the rest of the evening drinking, but c'mon. Do you really think its a good idea to have me make a zillion travel arrangements when my head feels like its been pounded by hundreds of angry kittens?
Margarita Sundays seemed like such a good idea when I was unemployed. But tequila and disorganized attorneys really don't mix unless both are consumed at the same time. I only have myself to blame for my predicament, of course. And yes, I know that I should've called in sick, but I already did that last week after a night of drunken karaoke.
This morning I woke up, sucked down a Vitamin Water, pulled on whatever appeared to be clean and mildly work appropriate and hustled into the office. Did I mention that riding a crowded subway car on a steamy August morning is also not the best hangover cure? As I got to my desk, I was just about to wolf down the delicious breakfast sandwich I got on the way in when Partner 1 yelled from his office, "Secy! Get in here. We need to make arrangements for my trip to Chicago. I'm leaving tomorrow morning." Ugh. Please kill me now. Just break that bottle of Patron over my head and put me out of my misery. And, way to wait until the last minute to book your trip, Partner 1!
After spending about 2 hours dealing with Partner 1's ever changing mind about his trip to Chicago (more on this later), I finally got to eat my sandwich. It was soggy and gross at this point, but I don't care. I'm hungover. Did I mention that my outfit is covered in cat hair? In my tequila haze I forgot take off my makeup from the night before, so now I have that smudgy, heroin chic look. Always the professional.
Its only 11am and I am already thinking about running out the door, never to be heard from again. Then I remember, I need this salary so that I can sober up and partake in Sangria Tuesdays.
Margarita Sundays seemed like such a good idea when I was unemployed. But tequila and disorganized attorneys really don't mix unless both are consumed at the same time. I only have myself to blame for my predicament, of course. And yes, I know that I should've called in sick, but I already did that last week after a night of drunken karaoke.
This morning I woke up, sucked down a Vitamin Water, pulled on whatever appeared to be clean and mildly work appropriate and hustled into the office. Did I mention that riding a crowded subway car on a steamy August morning is also not the best hangover cure? As I got to my desk, I was just about to wolf down the delicious breakfast sandwich I got on the way in when Partner 1 yelled from his office, "Secy! Get in here. We need to make arrangements for my trip to Chicago. I'm leaving tomorrow morning." Ugh. Please kill me now. Just break that bottle of Patron over my head and put me out of my misery. And, way to wait until the last minute to book your trip, Partner 1!
After spending about 2 hours dealing with Partner 1's ever changing mind about his trip to Chicago (more on this later), I finally got to eat my sandwich. It was soggy and gross at this point, but I don't care. I'm hungover. Did I mention that my outfit is covered in cat hair? In my tequila haze I forgot take off my makeup from the night before, so now I have that smudgy, heroin chic look. Always the professional.
Its only 11am and I am already thinking about running out the door, never to be heard from again. Then I remember, I need this salary so that I can sober up and partake in Sangria Tuesdays.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)